You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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