Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
