i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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