wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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