you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
