My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
