that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize