im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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