I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
sarcasm needs its own font
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
