Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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