My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
