I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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