I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
