why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
