dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
