I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
