dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize