I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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