So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Are my feet made of real feet?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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