When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
