Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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