I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
