Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
