dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
