I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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