new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
