i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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