I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
