Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
