You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
