I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
