Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize