We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize