I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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