I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
