We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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