my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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