we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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