I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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