I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
