doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
