when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
