yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
