It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
