sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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