So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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