Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
