I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
