i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
