He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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