I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
