2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
