i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Boobs speak an international language.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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