Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
