She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
