We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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