My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
