My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
