I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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